I’m going to talk about something really personal here. If I’m also honest here – this isn’t an easy thing for me to write about. I’ve been restarting and rewriting parts over and over again till I got the words just right. But If I’m honest I don’t think I will ever get the words right on this subject. If it difficult or me to write, I’m sure you’re asking yourself why on earth am I pushing myself to do this? It a promise to myself that I will be more open and more personal on here, after all what the point of writing a blog – a personal one at that, if I’m not more honest with you the readers and with myself.  So sit back, grab a nice herbal tea and read and not to judge my situation.

A few years ago, 5 years to be exact I just got married to Richard. We were newlywed and crazy about each other.  To cut a long story short, we both knew it was the right time to start adding a little one in the equation. So we got busy *ahem*-let just skip that part shall we.

I soon after fell pregnant, we were both very happy and felt like everything was falling into place. The antenatal clinic deemed me to be a high risk so I had to be monitor closely and take special medication. But overall I was fine and felt in good health.  Well I did till I got to 20 weeks, that when things went downhill. We discovered the baby wasn’t growing and my blood pressure have escalated to dangerous level. I started to fall ill and eventually got admitted to hospital.

It was discovered that I had preeclampsia and my body couldn’t handle the pregnancy, a lot of my body functions like kidney and heart was starting to break down. Think of as a machine working overtime. I was closely monitored and given special treatment to make my body calm down.

But sadly I miscarriage and lost little flump (as we nicknamed the baby). We were heartbroken and but the consultant told us to wait 6 months till we can try again.

We did about 2 time in total, all resulting in the same complication. In all aspect all the pregnancy was a de ja vu of each other.

I asked for some genetic testing to be done, to see why I keep having this problem. It came back that I have deformed genetic error or something to that effect, where carrying a baby full term in pregnancy is impossible. My body simply cannot handle being pregnant. Oh there also a 50% chance that the baby would inherit my generic error so If we decided to go the surrogate route which so many people around us keep advising to do, the child would have the same problem.

That would have been selfish off me and what sort of human being would I be by bring a child in the world who would face nothing but problem in their life.

So overall we both decided to stop trying and close the chapter on flump.

My last pregnancy was about 2-3 years ago now and recently we were both reflecting that for us – it ok we don’t have a child of our own. I’m also at the age of being a minority where I’m child-free. All my ‘friends’ (I say it like that as well it depends how you define friends but that’s another issue) have now got their own kids and lives where everything is all rosy and wonderful. So naturally it doesn’t include me, I don’t belong to the mummy chatter or the swings in the park.

And you know what, from an outsider looking in – I can say I’m bloody glad.

During that time with the miscarriages, I was working in my retail job and without saying to much – the work environments was difficult and it made my life a lot harder. I’ve spoken about how miserable I was while working there and how a year ago I left to work for myself.

While some people may now judge me for working for myself, much the same way I had people judging me when I was having my health issue. At least I’m doing it for myself and it makes me happy and I’m calling it my own.

What I mean by that is, while people have commented to my face on why I have no little one. I’m living life on my own term. I’m free to do whatever I like.

And while some people do think I’m not progressing with my life, by being child-free and working for myself. If that isn’t progressing, then what is?

I have come across very judgmental people who think they know what is best for me. If anything keeps the thoughts to yourself, it isn’t easy for me to tell people on why I’m happy being child free. I’m convinced a lot of the comment I get is to do with jealously.

Life has no meaning without a child is what one woman told me before. Really? I feel sorry for that particular woman if she thinks like that. Your life should have meaning and a child is not necessarily one of them for myself.

Last year Richard and I went travelling around Europe and it was amazing! We were like two travelers with a backpack and a train ticket. So Mrs. judgmental women with the straw hat what do you make of that? Does that not have meaning to our own life? Is it completely childish that we would just run off like that?

I say hell no – because we have no responsibility to a child to worry about. Our lives are ours and ours alone.

On that note, we both understand that we don’t have the finical burden of bringing up a child and money – while still an issue – is ours to do what we want and if we want to travel then we will and nothing will stop up.

I enjoy buying clothes and drinking cocktails, while my husband enjoys geeky tech. Does that make us a selfish people? No. We’re buying things that make us happy. If I want to buy that big bar of chocolate and I will and no one can ever stop me.

With everything that been said, I don’t hate kids and I never go out of my way to avoid them all together. A lot of people feel they need to hide their child from me, like I’m a child-snatcher from chitty chatter bang bang.

I have 3 lovely nieces (well one is little difficult with me but she’s 2 so I let her off) and I’m happy with that. I hang out, text them, and be available if they ever need to talk to me. I still get my own space and I can still be myself. What is wrong with that?

As you most likely can tell by now how my ability to know my own mind has been doubted, whenever the subject is brought up. I had people telling me my biological clock is ticking – well I always replied back it can bloody tick to zero doesn’t make a different to me. Or I would never feel like a grown-up woman.  What qualified as grown up women?

For me it someone who is paying her way and living her life, do you beg to differ?

After all the whole issue of biological clock is rubbish, there have been report of women’s having baby at age 50 – 60, what do you say about that? I don’t know about anyone else but I don’t hear any ticking inside myself.

The idea of someone who would inherit the family fortune once you’re gone is an argument that people always bring up.  Who will carry on with the circle of life once we’re gone? You know what, that isn’t you to decide, it isn’t even our – after all the earth will still keep turning and I’m sure while one branch of the family tree is broken, there will be plenty more that will flourish. Sometime as a response back, I do bring up that the earth is grossly over populated and by not bringing one child in will actually help the population future.

Sometime I’m shocked by the level of judgment I get from people when I say, I’m happy being child-free. It a decision that both my husband and I have made and no one influence our decision – we came to it naturally. We came to that decision though a natural difficult time, it was mother nature decision to tell me I can’t have kids.

I think I have said enough on this subject and I feel better for getting it off my chest. You get only one life – so live it with how you want to and no by how people want you to live it. Remember YOLO!